I Despise My Hardness, Strength and Power

I open my eyes every morning, just to see there is light all around me,

The same space filled with darkness just a few hours ago I see.

I sit up to remind myself about my God, and I decide this day won't be like yesterday,

It would be better. Much better. Like a wonderful NEW DAY.

20 hours later I come back to the same place and despise myself,

And say again - tomorrow will be better in every way.

This continues; night after night, and one day I read my old blogs and despise myself again -

I couldn't understand how good I am today. So much has changed. AGAIN!

My purpose of writing has changed. My thinking has changed.

I have defined every feeling I feel. I have destroyed every pain that hurts. I ...

I have dissolved all my past into the new light -

the new light that sees me everyday - ray by ray - dot by dot. I...

I have divided my past with my present.

I have broken it into small pieces and understood every bit of it. I ...

I have chewed my own tongue whenever I wanted to shout. I ...

I have punished myself asking for love. I ...

I have manipulated my dreams so that they don't hurt. I...

I have filled the vaccum with my tears - nothing is empty now. I...

I have understood that crying is not painful,

but finding no shoulder to cry on is. I ... I ...

I understand I am very happy now ... at peace with myself.

Yet I despise myself again -

My heart won't break now ... I am hard.

I will forget that now ... I am strong.

I won't turn back now ... I am powerful.

I despise hardness.

I despise strength.

I despise power.

They make me hate the most beautiful of life.

I hate love. Yet I continue with it ... I love myself.