I Am Bad !!!

Many times I feel the necessity to share my feelings with someone and the only thing I find holding me back is my inability to give a kick start. I just don’t get the right words to make me get started with the topic. Rather a few times, I even don’t find the right beginning to my articles too. But I need to start from some where before I lose the ideas and forget the inspirations which wake up less often, and before its too late for me to share it.

For the first time in my life, today, I understand I am not a good son to my parents. Until lately when asked about me, by anyone, my parents would praise me or at least say facts in my favor. But now I am sure, when the next time they are asked something like this, they are going to prove me as a bad son and a very bad person. You know, I seem to waste so much time in front of the computer, sleep very little, eat less, don’t study my college syllabus, and don’t do many more things I am supposed to. I am bad for all this.

I bet I have justifications for all this. But who cares for them. They believe in facts and figures, that’s the way it is. And who cares for me. That’s the way it is. I never told my mother or father that I care for them or I really love them. I never had the reason. Who doesn’t love their parents? Am I really supposed say it? How can I know the rules? This is the first time I am living and this must be the last time too, and I do not have any experience. I don’t know what it means to be good or bad.  All I believe is that I need to do good acts to be called as good and bad acts to be called as bad. But I don’t know what I am doing – good or bad. Then I must neither be good nor bad, and this is not practically possible. So, I guess I am worst of anyone who lives.

There are several reasons for me to believe I am very, very bad. I don’t understand what my elders want me understand, I don’t pay much attention to the way I might be drifting away from my essential priorities, I don’t like what others like, I take help of so many others and return them nothing, I don’t understand others feelings, I am a bit cold by nature and sometimes a bit mysterious, I hurt others with the words and actions I pose with, I give some weird letters to some people who mean so much to me and I probably cause trouble to them, I am after somebody and because of me that person feels very bad at times, I am not able to tell everyone that I never mean to cause any kind of trouble to them, I am not able to express that every person I know personally means something to me, I am not able to do so many things. Actually it’s not about my ability, I am just not able to do them.  And for all this, I am bad, very bad.

My badness is not limited to just this. I commit crimes on myself, I hurt and cause pain to my own self. I think more than I should, and I end up with mad foolishness. Like all others I have dreams to fulfill, I don’t want to hurt myself again by allowing them to remain as dreams. I wish I never had expectations….they always hurt at places where it hurts the most. I don’t want to be desperate, it is often disliked.

I am fully aware that I have the best things in my life. I could have never asked for anything better. I know my parents love me (as they are supposed to), though they never said that to me. I have opportunities, chances, doors to heaven…..and I am wasting them, gaining nothing.

Can some one understand and tell me why I am this way or how I must change myself? I want to be good….please understand…..a person liked and loved by all. I want to be cared for, and told that I am being cared.

But here, one thing is clear; I am frustrated, and I have no right to ask someone or anyone to care for me.