Today

Today,

When I closed my eyes with no reason at all,

When I suddenly became silent when nobody called,

Today,

When I felt a longing for loneliness,

When I wanted to curse the whole worldliness,

Today,

When I felt myself incomplete,

When I said I need more greed,

Today,

When I told myself I need to be stronger,

When I prayed for more endurance to escape wither,

Today,

When I didn’t like my face in the mirror,

When I refused to comb my hair clear,

Today,

When I spoke with efforts,

When I pretended to listen but didn’t even hear,

Today,

When I wanted to know the reason of my life,

When I looked at my empty hands with surprise,

Today,

When I saw a watch strike 12 aloud,

When I looked up and found a dark cloud,

Today,

When I felt my forehead frowned,

When I perspired in rain to make sweat and water bond,

Today,

When I called myself a fool,

When I couldn’t smile at my past but felt something else drooled,

Today,

When I didn’t know why I wanted to cry,

When I asked myself a reason why,

Today,

When I desired a tear in my eyes,

When I tried and pleaded but couldn’t cry,

Today,

When a desire became a pain,

When there was no lesson gained,

Today,

Today I understood a mood swing is all about a musing,

Today I realized how naïve I would be sacrificing my happiness to a swing,

Today,

Today I pondered if I must acknowledge defeats and repent my wrongdoings,

Today I knew I was wrong, I was weak, I had lost, and I didn’t want anything to win.

Today,

All this was just a mood swing!

I Despise My Hardness, Strength and Power

I open my eyes every morning, just to see there is light all around me,

The same space filled with darkness just a few hours ago I see.

I sit up to remind myself about my God, and I decide this day won't be like yesterday,

It would be better. Much better. Like a wonderful NEW DAY.

20 hours later I come back to the same place and despise myself,

And say again - tomorrow will be better in every way.

This continues; night after night, and one day I read my old blogs and despise myself again -

I couldn't understand how good I am today. So much has changed. AGAIN!

My purpose of writing has changed. My thinking has changed.

I have defined every feeling I feel. I have destroyed every pain that hurts. I ...

I have dissolved all my past into the new light -

the new light that sees me everyday - ray by ray - dot by dot. I...

I have divided my past with my present.

I have broken it into small pieces and understood every bit of it. I ...

I have chewed my own tongue whenever I wanted to shout. I ...

I have punished myself asking for love. I ...

I have manipulated my dreams so that they don't hurt. I...

I have filled the vaccum with my tears - nothing is empty now. I...

I have understood that crying is not painful,

but finding no shoulder to cry on is. I ... I ...

I understand I am very happy now ... at peace with myself.

Yet I despise myself again -

My heart won't break now ... I am hard.

I will forget that now ... I am strong.

I won't turn back now ... I am powerful.

I despise hardness.

I despise strength.

I despise power.

They make me hate the most beautiful of life.

I hate love. Yet I continue with it ... I love myself.